This morning I woke up before everyone else in the house. This isn't entirely unusual for me on the weekends, but in the past it has been a source of discomfort. I would be awake, and all by myself, what on earth was I to do? This usually consisted of trying to make myself go back to sleep for a while. When that would be unsuccessful I would usually stare at my wife until she would wake up, or turn on the TV, or play video games. Just this one simple thing, my reaction to waking up early, shows me how much I have grown. I laid in bed for a while this morning, but without the nervous energy. I didn't feel compelled to wake up my wife, I just noticed my breath and thought about my dreams with a smile on my face. I explored my mind, where are my thoughts going this morning, where am I distracted? When I had enough of that, I just got up. There is a stillness to a house where everyone else is sleeping that used to make me uncomfortable, but this morning it was peaceful. I put on some music that I do qigong to (quietly of course) and went about doing my work. First a seated meditation, then some qigong standing meditation, a few qigong movements, but then I just allowed the energy to move within me unguided. This is something we do in class from time to time, and I find it so freeing. Freestyle Tai Chi if you will. I aligned my souls, I made kala, I siezed the day.
I find myself having spiritual epiphany in the most mundane tasks as of late. It's the whole "chop wood, carry water" idea from Chinese philosophy. Yesterday for example, I helped my mother in law muck out a pig stall. So those of you who know me can attest to the fact that by nature I am a soft city boy, so needless to say this was a new experience for me. If you have never had the joy of doing this task then let me illuminate you...it is revolting. I found the smell so overpowering at points that I started to dry heave. So you may be asking yourself at this point, how do dry heaving and spiritual epiphany come together? Well, I'm glad you asked...
Sometimes this work is not fun. Sometimes, when your goal is to heal your scars and become more fully yourself, you have to wade through a lot of shit. I have had times during my work, that I forgot that I was doing it. I would be so overcome by the discomfort of my situation that the pain was all I was aware of. And let me tell you, when you are ankle deep in pig muck, it seems like a task that will never end. But what choices do we have? Can we walk away from our work? Sure, for a time, but the issues will still be there effecting you in ways that you are not conscious of. The pigs won't muck themselves. I wasn't going to allow my 68 year old mother in law to do all that hard labor herself, and there was no one else to do the work that needed to be done. Sound familiar? You can't let someone else do your Great Work for you, and no one else can do it but you anyway. The only way out is then through. You have to suck it up. My brain kept flashing to Thorn saying "I know you are scared...So what" druring the Morrigan ritual at Pantheacon. I know this is gross....So what. I know this is hard, that its painful, that you want to run away screaming...So what. It has to be done. So you keep going, you keep filling the wheelbarrow with shit, dry heaving and all, because it needs to be done. You keep going, and suddenly...the task is done. You made it through to the other side. I had such a great feeling of accomplishment when I was done. My fetch wanted to laugh and dance, because I persevered. It was the hardest, most revolting work I had ever done, and I stuck it out and finished. This has been my spiritual work. The few years afer my initiation was *really* hard. I had my Saturn returns at the same time, my life was chaos, but I have moved through it. I am stronger now, having gone through those experiences, I am more the Witch then I ever have been before. Does that mean the work is done? Of course not, but I will be more prepared for the trials next time...and maybe, just maybe...shoveling the pig shit won't be so hard the next time. But even if it is, I know I have the Warrior spirit within me to face it with my head held high...
But I will still probably bitch about it.
Be blessed my friends.
Sat, Feb. 26th, 2011, 09:06 am
At Con I had a very profound experience that let me know it was time to return to some very important work that I had been taking a break from. I have been working with Freyr in that regard, and I have been inviting him and Odin into my dreams to help me with that work, with some really potent results. Of course in the dream they are just casual comments, but upon awakening this morning I had a huge "AH HAH!" moment. The funny thing is that this ah hah moment was something I was advice I was giving other people at Con. You can process stuff out with Talker, you can explore and process past pains to death, and that works for talker, but those scars will stay in Fetch. Fetch doesn't process, it doesn't reason, it needs to be soothed and assured. It needs the Ah hah moment to really be able to start healing and move on.
I also have had some realizations that by coming into Feri and beginning my training toward initiation so early in my career as a witch it has left me lacking in some magical areas that other initiates may take for granted. During my trance work with Freyr last night, he was trying to coax me out of my body to hunt with him, and as much as I wanted to go, that is something I have never been able to do. It's been somewhat frustrating, because full OBE astral travel has been a desire of mine since I started practicing, but have never been able to figure it out. I feel my astral body, but getting my consciousness into it and be able to move has escaped me. I tell myself that it will happen when the time is right, just like everything else, but it is frustrating nonetheless. It feeds into my still lingering inferiority complex. That is a complex that I do kala on all the time, but still clings, and that is okay. We all have those I think. But things like this, where I feel that as a witch and especially as an initiate that I "should" be able to do really make that complex twitch. But like I said in my last entry, I am a newbie initiate, and I am trying to accept on a fetch level that no one other than myself expects me to know everything. I would like to learn from other initiates, more experienced ones that I haven't worked with much, but unfortunately my current location makes that somewhat difficult.
But I breathe. I look outside at the snow on the ground, glistening while the sun melts the ice, and my heart is filled with joy. I feel more like the Witch than I have since right before and after my initiation, maybe even more than then. I am able to laugh at my unrealistic expectations on myself, most of the time anyway. I am excited for the future of my work, because I am a young witch, with years to perfect my practice. I also honor and acknowledge my strengths. I am a great energy worker and empath. I am a healer and a lover. I help heal the scars in those that are too young to be able to heal themselves. I laugh, I dance, I sing. I walk the middle road, yet dance ecstatically on both sides on occasion.
Today, even with its challenges, life is good. Be blessed my friends.
Fri, Feb. 25th, 2011, 05:15 pm
Been feeling very connected since Con. I hadn't realized how much the Witch in me had been sleeping, especially since I had been doing energy work through the Taoist practice, but the wild, ecstatic, raw energy of the Witch is a great feeling.I needed to let it sleep for a while, because the tools I learned in the Taoist work have let me embody the heavy energy more....comfortably I guess is the best way I can describe it. It just sits better, its more me if that makes sense. I have had powerful dreams, felt the Gods whispering to me, walked with my head held high and felt the joy of a simple breath. The best way I can describe it is to repeat that I feel like I have grown into my initiation.
In conjunction with that feeling, is the fetch understanding that I am still a newbie initiate, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in asking more experienced initiates for advice and teaching. I don't know everything, in fact, I don't know as much as I would like, and that's okay. Initiation is a beginning, not an ending. I thought I understood that before the rite, but its like thinking you know what sex is like before you have had it. I understood the concept, but didn't have the fetch grasp of the sweaty complexity of it. And as much as I will pound that in the head of soon to be initiates, they too won't really "get it" until they experience it. The....oooooohhhhh.....Man.....after all that work and I'm just STARTING????
Yup..... And that is freaking awesome!
Tue, Jan. 11th, 2011, 12:53 pm
Took a few breaths and deleted a post. I am better than them and will not sink to their level.
Wed, Nov. 3rd, 2010, 09:45 am
Feeling very demoralized in general. The Oregon move, while alleviating certain problems, has just ended up causing other problems. The economy here in Southern Oregon is considerably worse than in other parts of the nation, with unemployment running around 15%, and my wife lost her job about a month ago. Financially we are far worse off than we have probably ever been, but at least we still have a roof over our head. But that is its own set of issues. This living situation with my wife's brother and sister in law was supposed to be only a few months, and here we are over a year and a half in. I really don't like not having my own space, and there are just always subtle reminders that when it comes down to it, my vote really doesn't matter for what we end up doing at home.
I think the worst part of it all is that I feel powerless to change any of my situations right now, and that of course triggers my mood issues. Feeling generally very low, but my only support person up here, my wife, is going through her own mood issues with being unemployed. Makes me feel pretty lonely I guess. I miss my friends a lot. My own family growing up had lots of issues, so my friends ended up being more of a family to me, and they are all hours away now. Haven't had much luck making new friends here.
And then there is the whole political fiasco. As a democratic socialist, I feel like my political needs are never going to be met in this country.
So yeah, lots of whining, lots of blah, but I just needed to get it out.
Tue, Sep. 28th, 2010, 10:14 am
Perhaps I shall return to the world of LJ....
Thu, Jul. 9th, 2009, 11:22 am
Just a reminder that tomorrow will be the last Feri Circle at Mystic Dream that I help facilitate. If you want to see me before I move that would probably be the best place.
So many of you know what a source of conflict and misery that my job has been for me for the last 5 years, but yet I clung on to it. I always had an excuse why it was best for me to stay, but really those excuses were just a manifestion of my fear of the unknown. Well today I have let that fear go and I officially put in my 2 weeks notice. I have been through a lot of transformation (in my painful coyote way) in this last year, but I am very excited about the new and improved Puck that is emerging. I think I have finally grasped down to my core why Feri is called a warrior path, and I can now without guilt say that I am walking that path with my head held high.